Read confession
Sent to a friend
i met this guy,doug, off cupid.com in Sept. 2006.we're both 23yr old and looking for a serious relationship that could turn into marriage. After talking online for a week, he asks me out on an official date. he takes me to the a dinner/movie restraunt. afterwards we went to a park where we could talk more. we ended up kissing and talking for 3 hours. both of us really felt a connection. we were not bf/gf, he didnt want to move too fast. but we hung out and had a lot of dates for 2 months. he'd introduced me to his family, he took me on dates that involved driving over an hour away, we'd slept together, he cooked me dinners and was incredibly romantic. i was falling in love, and so was he but was afraid to tell me. we ended up having a mundane fight one day and i thought from there i might lose him.
we had planned another date for him to cook me dinner again, little did i know this was going to be the one where he was going to tell me he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend. he always calls me when he wakes up so i know when to go to his house, but the day of our date, he never called. i called him many times and texted him a few times, no answers. i had told him about how my exfiancee left me, by ignoring all my calls and never calling me back which took 2 weeks for me to realize it was over. so, i thought doug was doing the same thing due to the little spat we had.
being hurt, and not wanting to hurt anymore, i decided to try to not let it bother me by going out with another guy,dwight, who that same day asked me to be his girlfriend. i think i knew from the beginning it was a rebound type thing. almost a week later doug calls me and was telling me he'd missed me and asked me why i never showed up for our date. i told him it was because he never called me. he told me how he lost his cellphone at work and it had just been found. i felt like an idiot, and it killed me to tell him that i was with someone else. the only place my number was, was stored in his phone or he would have called me from somewhere else.
for 2 weeks i keep talking to doug and we hang out and finally confessed that we love eachother. i ended up cheating on dwight with doug twice. i decided i wanted to be with doug and told discussed it with dwight. dwight and i broke up on good terms and i went and stayed a few nights over at dougs. i was so happy to be with him and in his arms, but i felt different. now i realize the reason i felt different was because of the guilt of cheating on dwight and feeling so ashamed that it just made me feel shitty. i broke up with doug after i left his house and went back to dwight because i didnt want to be alone. he forgave me for cheating and didnt want to hear about it or talk it out, it was just forgiveness. i still hung out with doug but no cheating this time. one night he came to my house and played with me and had sex with me for a minute while i was passed out from taking tylenol pms. i forgave him,but i told dwight. dwight wouldnt let us be friends, so i broke the news to doug. it killed me because i loved him to much and didnt want him out of my life.
all the while when i got back with dwight, i was horrible to him. i wouldnt sleep with him, would kiss him, gave no attention or affection, always feeling and acting bitter. i had gotten depressed for about a week and all id do is lay on the couch and watch tv crying. dwight had had enough and dumped me. but to find out later, he would have stayed if i had pressed charges against doug for taking advantage of me in my sleep. i wasnt going to do that to the man i loved, id rather be single than to hurt him again.
so when dwight and i broke up again, i started talking to doug again. after 3 weeks, he had seemed to have moved on. he slept with some girl but she's dating a bunch of guys. a week into talking again, i asked for him back and he said he'd think about it.
during this time, we hung out a couple times and got all cuddly and lovey dovey. i love him so much, but was tired of hurting from waiting for his decision. almost 2 weeks past by and still no decision. so i told him i give up and ended up crying. he cried too and told me not to give up. but i told him i had to if i wanted the hurt to go away becuase in my heart i felt like he wasnt going to give me another chance. he screamed at me "fuck you then, get the fuck out of here".. so i left in tears. that night i hung out with an old friend end would have slept with him if he could get it up, but having a flu-like sickness, he couldnt.
doug called 2 days later and i told him about it. he still begged for me not to give up, but i told him that i wasnt changing my mind. he said "what if i give you a decision tomorrow night", i agreed.
the next night came and he called, and i said he'd take me back. i couldnt tell you how happy i was. i was on cloud 9 and felt like i was superwoman.
6 hours later he texts me telling me he cant be with me and that i should be with someone else. i call him and he says its because i almost slept with one of my friends. this really ripped me apart, and i feel like i deserve it. i beat myself up 24/7 for hurting him before, but all i want to do is make it up to him.
we talked some things out and ive agreed to give him more time to think, but its hard because right now he's working 20+ hours OVERTIME every week.
all i keep thinking about is how he had told me that when he was ready to purpose to me, he was going to do it at a heart made of stone over an hour away where we'd had our 2nd date. and how he said he'd move down south with me and pay off my exfiancee to get my dog back from him. he was willing to do everything and anything for me, and it kills me that i fucked it all up and theres nothing i can do about it. nothing i can do to fix it.
i know he still loves me, but he's afraid id hurt him again and i know now that thats something im not going to do. i want a future with him, a family, a happy life.
i can move on if needed, and there are other "fish in the sea", but i want to wait for him. if he declines, ill hurt so much, but life moves on whether i like it or night and hopefully ill move on completely. but if he gives me another chance, then id do everything in my power to make sure he's happy and support him in anything he needs or wants.
he's the only guy who hasnt cheated on me,been emotionally abusive, or psyhically abusive or drained me out of all the money i have. he's always been there even when i hurt him, he's taken me out and bought be things and treated me with respect and like a lady should be treated. maybe thats why its so hard to give him up...
Rating:5.00
Comments
- you are only abusing yourself, you self esteem must be ten below zero. i don't really know how you are wearing your hair now, but you might want to change your hairstyle to wearing bangs. that way no one will see the sign "USE ME AND ABUSE ME" on your forehead.
- keep it short and to the point please.
- ...yea, well you all are right. he DIDNT take me back.
- he rapes you while your sleeping and hes the only guy wh hasnt abused you...yeah...dumbass