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Sent to a friend I feel guilty and just need to let it out. I met a man years and years ago. Noticed him instantly..thought he didn\'t notice me. I had a boyfriend at the time. Later, that boyfriend and I broke up, and I began dating this man\'s friend. I dated this man\'s friend for 3 years. The friend could be decent..but there was no happy future for us (he didn\'t really love me, we weren\'t right for each other, etc.). During these 3 years, me and the boyfriend\'s friend became friends also. Just friends. Always really enjoyed talking to each other, had ALOT in common.I would feel guilty because I noticed I had developed a HUGE crush on him. I would pray constantly for me to not think of him that way because I wanted to be happy and faithful to my boyfriend. The feelings did not diminish. After 3 years of this relationship, I ended it. The now exboyfriend\'s friend (who we will call Bob to make this easier) and I still remained friends. Eventually we both admitted to really liking each other..ALOT. Bob encouraged me to date though, because we knew it wouldn\'t be right to date each other, because Bob was my exboyfriends best friend. We agreed to give it some time. Even though I really wasn\'t interested in dating anyone else, he encouraged me, he wanted to be sure I knew how I felt and that it wasn\'t just a rebound issue. So, the first guy I dated, I fell hard..as I usually do. Things were great, to Bob\'s dismay..he said he was happy for us though.
Well, then I got married to this other man. He really seemed wonderful, although I still thought about Bob occasionally. I thought this other man, whom we\'ll call Dan, seemed like he could make me happy for the rest of my life, and I would forget about Bob. Sorry, here I have to say, well, \"What about Bob?\" We continued to talk..for years. We have always been able to talk for hours, relate or debate. Have always had sooo much in common it\'s just unfathomable. Now that the marriage has began to turn out to be not as great as expected..my mind is straying towards Bob once again.
So many signs pointed towards him...but I ignored them because of what it could have done to the exboyfriend. When Dan is yelling at me for some mundane thing...like pizza toppings...I can\'t help but compare him to Bob and his understanding nature. I know this is wrong, because I\'m married now. Bob remains a friend, and only a friend, and in no way has encouraged me to get out of my marriage or to cheat. We didn\'t date out of respect for the exboyfriend..but I can\'t help but wonder..what if? What if we had dated? All I can think is...it would have been so nice..always. And now it\'s different..and sooo much at risk. Despite the way Dan treats me, I love him most of the time. I just don\'t know how Dan and I will ever really make each other happy. He yells at me alot..and cusses alot. But he can be affectionate here and there, and funny.
You know, when I look at it here, in that sentence, it doesn\'t look like much. He gives really great hugs..still doesn\'t sound like enough huh? My dream: to someday be loved by a man, for me, all of me, good/bad/ok..loved for all of it, despite my flaws (talking too much, sometimes overly sensitive, singing to the radio and not sounding so good, can be a little clingy..mostly just addicted to hugs). I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am, accept my dreams, accept my goofy-ness, accept my easily provoked tears, accept my convictions, accept my FAITH, accept my hugs, accept my kisses, accept my speech, notice my creativity, notice ME, please...Dear God help.
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Comments
- through out this entirely too long confession one sentence gave you away. the one about Pizza Topping! The last line says it all. Only God can help you, because you don't seem to realize that maybe just maybe your marriage is a mistake. Granted God doesn't make mistakes but people do!!!!!
- Thanks for the comment :-) Sorry the confession was so long! I'm surprised anyone responded! I greatly appreciate your time. Eventually, I will figure this one out. Sometimes I think it was just a mistake...it's hard to let go I guess. Just want to be sure which part would be the mistake, leaving or staying. Again, thanks for your insight! :-)